I’m pensive, restless, my thoughts a jumble of past mistakes and future hopes. I woke up sad and confused but now I feel lonely and at peace. Seems strange that peace and loneliness would go together, but today, for me, they do. Perhaps we are all lonely, even in a crowd. I think all humans want to feel connected…to each other, to themselves, to the world, to a spiritual nature, to God. So why is it so hard to connect and stay connected? Why do we seek it and yet turn away from it at the same time? Why do we allow the pain, the hurt, the disappointment to overrule our longing to connect? Why are we so afraid? Why can’t we be satisfied with who we are and who we’re not and who others are and who they aren’t? Am I alone in this struggle? Why does my mind ponder the unanswerable questions?
I know I’ve missed a few days of blogging. It’s not for lack of wanting. Last week my writing attention was taken by my final essay for university and finishing a submission pack for a SCBWI conference scholarship. I managed to achieve my goals despite fevers and illness. I’m trying to get back on track, but it’s been difficult.
A dear friend passed away on Thursday. It’s put me in this mood of self-reflection. I still can’t say her name without the threat of tears, and my mind has been in shock. I feel as if time has stopped. I didn’t expect it to affect me as much as it has. It’s made me stop and think about my life, what I’m doing. It’s made me put some things into perspective and confirmed that life is short, and I should be thankful every day that I have a gift, a passion. Carpe Diem.
Which brings me to another decision. As much as I love blogging, there are edits to be finished. It’s time to focus and do what I said I was going to do. A few weeks of serious, uninterrupted rewriting will get my novel ready for submission. It means I need to take a break from the blog. I’ll still blog if I have something burning to say, but it won’t be scheduled. Once these rewrites are finished, I’ll get back on track. Until then, Carpe Diem. Life is short. Hug your friends, tell those closest to you that you love and cherish them. Write on, my friends, and keep chasing your dream. One day you’ll catch it.
I’m sorry for your sadness and your friend’s passing. My sister passed away ten years ago, and brought the message to me that nothing is certain, and you have to make the most of life each day as you live it. Good luck with your rewrites and I’ll be watching for posts as they come!
Lara, thank you. I can’t imagine what losing a sister would feel like. I’m truly sorry for your own loss. I know it’s been ten years but I’m sure her spirit is still with you. Thank you for sharing with me and for being so supportive. You’re a wonderful friend.
You are such a wonderful, beautiful person and writer. It has been my pleasure to get to know you. I have days that I feel the lonliness, too. I am surrounded by people who love me and people to care for, but it does not mean I don’t disconnect from time to time. When I say that you are an inspiration, I mean it. I hold onto to my dream of writing, and being able to share my stories with others. When the dream seems far away, I revisit your blog and know I’m not alone in this journey. I keep going because I have to make my dream happen so I can meet you in Scottland and Courtney in Colorado. 🙂
I am the oldest of five sisters. A few years ago the one who is closest in age and heart to me had an accident that left her paralyzed. It didn’t keep her from marrying the love of her life and now she’s going back to school. Her example of courage and passion to keep living through the pain and obstacles she faces on a daily basis makes my own seem minute and I realize that we as humans have so much strenght of spirit and greatness of heart that there is no other faith but to know we move on to a more beautiful place after this one. She told me once of what it was like for when she was in a coma, our great-grandmother stayed with her and gave her strenght to pull through. Two years after her accident, she nearly lost her husband to a diabetic coma. They have given me permission to share their story, which I will do near Christmas. Life is beautiful, and what we believe and the affect we have on others matters more than we know.
I, too, will look for your posts as they come. Keep writing, and never forget to seize the day. Hugs and chocolate, my friend.
Tonia. I can’t thank you enough for being one of my best writing friends ever. You inspire me with your kindness and passion. Thank you to your sister for letting you share her story. What an amazing inspiration! To have gone through so much and to have such courage and passion in the face of adversity is awesome. I truly can’t imagine such strength. Life is beautiful and the human spirit is truly a wonder. I do believe we move on to somewhere more beautiful after this one. Thank you again for sharing with me and for being such a support in my life. I can’t wait for the day that we all meet in real life! 😀
Thanks for sharing. It is hard when you someone you loves dies. My good friend died of cancer two years ago. I miss her dearly, but she taught me how strong her faith in God was and she showed me how to suffer well. It was a joy to her to wash her daughters hair. How we can take the simple things for granted.
All the best with the rewrites and I’ll keep an eye out for your posts.
Ladonna, thank you for sharing your grief and experience with me. It’s amazing how strong people are. My friend died from cancer as well. I hadn’t seen her in ten years, but we still kept in contact through FB. She was a beautiful person. Her strength and passion for life even in the middle of her battle with cancer is a true inspiration. Thank you for your kind words. Your friend and mine will live on in our memory. May we never forget what they’ve taught us.
First, virtual hugs to you, my friend. You may be asking unanswerable questions, but I believe your asking, your striving, feeds your soul. With two mantras: ‘Simplfy,’ and ‘Life’s Too Short,’ my wife and I sold our business and most everything we owned, and moved to our beloved little cottage. We both vowed to dedicate ourselves to strive for more meaningful, less ephmeral goals; for journeys and goals that fed our souls. In other words, to seize the day. Part of the impetus for this life-shift was the death of loved ones, so each day I strive in their honor.
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I am so proud of your decision to focus on making your ms the book it deserves to be. I will miss your posts, but will be back when you’re here. Never forget that in many ways, you already have caught your dream. You finished a draft of ‘The’ book–the one from your heart. The first draft is for you–all rewrites are for readers. That’s a dream many will never have the fortitude to realize. No one can take that from you, ever. Be proud, stand strong, honor those who have passed before you. We’re with you.
Vaughn, thank you. You’re right in that I’m searching for a life that feeds my soul. I am not content to get caught up in the material rat race. For me, life is about love, family, friendship, and passion. It’s about writing and speaking from the heart. To be authentic.
I love that you and your wife have simplified your life, living for meaningful less ephmeral goals. The older I get the more I seek the same. Thank you for reminding me that I should honor those that have gone before me by living every day to the best of my ability.
I’ve had many loved ones pass away, it’s not my first dance with grief, but this feels so different. It’s the first time I’ve directly dealt with the death of someone so young, my age. Somone who had been fighting to live, to beat cancer. Someone with young children and embodied goodness and love. She touched so many lives and I know her memory will not die.
*virtual hugs* Thank you for being my friend and a true inspiration.
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. I’m sure she’s watching over you 🙂